Vitriol at the Speed of Sound
So a Brony tried hitting on me in a coffeeshop today


I am literally parked in the furthest corner of this Starbucks, with my tablet out, my computer on the little table and my backpack on the other stool at the table. The coffee shop is slow and there is lots of space.

I am /conspicuously/ busy, am trying to do homework, look up apartment rates and talk to my friends.

And then the fedora walks in. 

A grody black T-shirt reading in an ugly typeface “RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES” stretched across his belly and a subway flasher jacket with muddy tips. He sported a magnificent patchy neckbeard and screwed upon his greasy head was a well loved trillby with pinstripes.

(I think for people who haven’t experienced the Magic (tm)of guys like these or seen them slinking around the margins at conventions might sometimes find themselves thinking that the assholes featured in so many terrible stories about them couldn’t possibly be experienced in their normal, unobtrusive, everyday fucking lives and I feel like I’m doing the stereotype a disservice by describing this guy.)

In any case I instinctively tried to make myself smaller and pull my hat lower over my eyes but it was too late, I had been spotted. He tipped his hat at me from the coffee line. I scrunched and attempted to return to my work as he then approached my table.

"Greetings, lady," PICKING UP MY BAG, which was sitting on the stool next to me and putting in on the floor. 

"Hey," I started to protest but he interrupted me,

"I saw this little troll button on your bag and can’t help but ask, are you, uhhh, much into Homestuck?" 

He said it the same way that someone might ask, “So uh, are you much into uh…fondling donkey junk?” I was trying to hold my breath since he smelled like unwashed man, a cologne that was giving me a headache and doritos.

"I’m a huge Homestuck!" I replied in the hopes that this fact alone might make him go away. "I actually made that button. Also I am kind of busy doing homework for a class I have in three hours, I’d like to get back to my work." 

He crossed his legs awkwardly enough that his knee was digging into my leg so I made an angry face and scooched my chair away and then proceeds to lean over the table and say, “I always thought that comic, while decent with certain aspects was always deeply overrated and honestly lacks the profundity, depth of thought and production value I generally like to see in the media I enjoy.” he then goes on to tell me how much he thinks homestucks are poor, delusional souls who often don’t know the magic of other fandoms and take positive life lessons from their media and incorperate into their daily lives and goes on to mansplain this shit at me to the point where I was stopped typing out what he was saying to me in the word document I had open to record this fucking travesty.

"I think that if you opened your eyes to different types of media you might become more discerning and your tastes might mature a little bit."

WOW. That’s a lot of assumptions to make about me, dudebro, fixating on homestuck because I have a goddamned karkat button on my backpack. I also have keychains of Edward and Alphonse Elric and a deathly hallows sticker, for other visible nerdisms but holy shit. 

At this point I was aggravated enough to rebut him and I proceeded to defend the comic as as point of contention, citing that the artistry is intricate, collaborative, the character writing is very good and enjoyable and its progressive in how it presents characters and modern internet relationships as well as resonate with readers of many age groups because its writing in loads of places rings very true on top of very very funny. In the end I told him I liked what I liked and if I didn’t care if he didn’t like it, or if anyone else didn’t for that matter. 

He says

"You have a lot of opinions, do you have a tumblr?"

I told him that even if I did I wasn’t comfortable giving it out to a random stranger whose name I didn’t even know. He proceeds to smile at me with his gross mossy teeth and tell me that ‘maybe if we met up after one of my classes he could convince me of the virtues of My Little Pony and Adventure Time.’


I was extremely done at this point and proceeded to tell him, “I have a boyfriend, I think Homestuck is great and I wouldn’t date a brony like you if you were the last person in the galaxy.”

Of course this wasn’t very nice of me and he got predictably angry. 

"I was just trying to be nice, you bitch!" he squealed indignant rage. "You can keep your femanazi habits and gay boyfriend, there are a million fish in the sea that look like you!"

At which point he got up and I’m half laughing from indignation.

And I know this was stupid and immature of me but I did call out as he left, “Happy friendzoning you dorito huffing neckbeard! Good luck with all those fish!”


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